Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
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I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.