[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
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on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
prepare for carbonated trouble
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.