My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
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“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Lmao the reply
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation