doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
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The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
This is my cat’s medicine.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger