there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
You Might Also Like
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Duck typos.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
this post was so formative to me
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]