me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
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Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Omg 🤣
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.