Just grow your own
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[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?