“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
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Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Google Pay be like:
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
john wicks are toilet candles
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…