If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*