Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
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[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.