“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
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What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.