I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
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*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Great acting.. 😂
Not all heroes wear capes…
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.