Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
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her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
A duv-egg? In this economy?
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
In space, no one can hear…
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”