it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
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I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*