Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
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[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.