When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
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Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..