“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
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They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.