me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
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My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
japanese corn
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X