My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
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The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Imagine having a party on purpose.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
incredible text to wake up to
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.