I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
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Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.