A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
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I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I think I’m having a stroke
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.