People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
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My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.