“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
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I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.