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The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.