Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
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starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.