When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
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An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation