Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate