At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
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Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
yeah not falling for this one
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes