do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
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[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
work smarter, not harder
normalize having existential bread
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Saturday
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*