Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
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Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018