a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”