Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
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My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
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Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Oh. My. God.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count