If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
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The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
😂😂😂
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.