Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
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guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
He wanted to make sure😂
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing