I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
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The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.