You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
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me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?