Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
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*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
“How’s your day going?”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
This meal prepping shit easy
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go