Somebody needs to get my shit together.
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December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen