She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
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With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
yea so i messed up lol
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.