Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
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Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
New mindset, who dis?
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole