[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
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I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.