Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
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PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
can I use a minion as a tampon
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Message from the dog groomers
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.