Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
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I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
*Inspirational Tweets*
I’m not stressed
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
definitely did not do anything wrong
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.