I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
You Might Also Like
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”