“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
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Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Pikachu found the lost joint
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
some Old Testament wisdom
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
No way!
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.