What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
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What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.