he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
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1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
A family that plays together cheats.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
That eye roll….
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
me: my friends:
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this