“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
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If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.