My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
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motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
How animals would run if they were human
This could be us… but you playing
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.