*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
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11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this